Posted by: Mermaid | February 5, 2016

That’s All I Ask of you

Droplet of Life

I water the plant on my desk. I notice a fallen leaf that held a droplet of water on it. I think of you. This void within me becomes more tangible every moment. Will it grow more to swallow me some day?

That song starts to play inside my head:

“Say you’ll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That’s all I ask of you”


I close my eyes and whisper: A droplet of life with you is more to me than oceans with others. A droplet of life with you, sweetheart, that’s all I ask of you.

Posted by: Mermaid | January 25, 2016

Don’t Miss the Rain

Mama calls me from her room: “Mayada, it’s heavily raining!” I am sitting to my laptop downloading some audio-books. I tell myself: “I’ll start downloading a couple of books and then go catch the rains in my balcony.” This takes around ten minutes. Oh, Coffee! Rains would be better with some steaming coffee! I go fix myself a cup of coffee and a sandwich. Another ten minutes. When I excitedly enter my balcony the rain has stopped! Because I wanted to make it perfect, I missed the rain. Sometimes we think we have the time but we actually don’t. Rain on its own is great. I do not have to make it perfect. Crude and natural times/things/feelings are great on their own. We need to enjoy them as they are because they do not always wait for us. Enjoy the company of those you love, appreciate their voices, their smiles, and warmth. Cherish the little and simple moments. They won’t last. They won’t wait for us to mould them the way we want. Don’t miss those moments. And never, ever miss the rain.

Posted by: Mermaid | January 24, 2016

Change

Meto tells me that he is no longer crazy about winter as he used to be long years ago. He tells me that we change as we grow older. I think of the change in my taste buds; how chocolate dropped out of my preference to be replaced by coffee. How some people who used to be the closest grew a bit distant. Does everything truly change or certain things remain unchanged within us? Will my heart stop skipping a beat every time I see or hear your name? I know the pain will eventually subside, one day. But I know that the bitterness and the scars won’t go away. They won’t go away, sweetheart…

Posted by: Mermaid | January 17, 2016

Dance with me

I meet a close friend for lunch. She tells me that she has read that post about losing passions. She says in a low voice: “I don’t like that spirit!” I faintly smile and tell her that it is the safest way, the only way. She shakes her head. I keep my calm smile and try to change the subject.

How can I ask anyone to understand? How can I explain what it takes to silence the longing into that calm smile? How much it takes to turn the feverish tremble into dead quietness?

We head to the opera for that Jazz and Latin musical night. “Take me to a jazz night one day”. Do you remember, sweetheart? The orchestra starts playing. The instruments blend into lulling tunes that make me feel a little dizzy. I close my eyes, hide into your arms and whisper: dance with me.

Posted by: Mermaid | January 15, 2016

Thank you for the Moments

I open our history. More than 25,000 messages in a year. What do I do with all this? What do I do with all the shared moments? Pictures of coffee, lunches we ate, roads we took, shots from trainings we attended, songs we liked. What do I do with all these moments that burn my skin and heart now and leave invisible scars? Tell me what should I do with them for they have become deeply entangled into my cells. Can I give you back the smiles I had in our talks? Can you return the laughs you had? What do I do with the nicknames we’ve exchanged?

A year of moments. My little treasures. What to do with them when I cannot hold them in my hands anymore? In our lives, some treasures are to be locked in a chest and pushed away at the back of our heart. But till I can lock them away, I’ll keep holding them close, not minding the burns and the scars. Till that day comes when I can let go, thank you for every moment we’ve shared, sweetheart.

Posted by: Mermaid | January 10, 2016

عن التيه والحنين

أدلف إلى سيارتي لكنني لا أبدأ في القيادة. إلى أين؟ أمضيت الساعتين الماضيتين أفكر في وجهة تشعرني بالراحة. هل أذهب إلى تلك الحديقة في الزمالك، أم إلى ذلك المطعم على ضفة النيل، أم أتجه إلى شوارع المعادي الخضراء، الحميمية؟ أوحشتني دجلة. إلى المعادي إذن.

أوقف السيارة وأبدا في النظر حولي. هادئة ومرحبة. أقرأ قليلًا في ذلك الكتاب المليء بالنوستالجيا. لماذا خلق الحنين؟

أبدأ في القيادة مرة أخرى. أتخلى عن الخريطة بهاتفي المحمول التي أتبعها دومًا. أتتبع الأشجار. كلما وجدت شارعًا ضيقًا بأخضر كثيف، دلفت إليه. يسلمني شارع إلى آخر بحنو أعهده بالمعادي الحبيبة. فقط خيوط دقيقة من شمس ضعيفة تتسلل إلى وجهي.

أتذكر ما قلته لك عن رعبي الطفولي من التيه. تتفهم كعادتك وتشعرني دائمًا أنك تعرف الطريق. اليوم أحاول أن ألقي بنفسي في قلب التيه. أفشل. يعمل عقلي سريعًا على رسم خرائط افتراضية فأشعر ببعض الأمان والإحباط. أريد أن أضل الطريق! أريد أن أضل الطريق! فقط ليومٍ واحد. أريد أن أصرخ وأنتحب وأتهاوى على الأرض لأنني ضللت الطريق… لأنني فقدتني… لأنني فقدتك. لكن عقلي لا يترك قلبي يفعل ما يريد. يعلم أن التيه قد يفتت القلب. يأخذ بعجلة القيادة ويهمس في شفقة: “هيا إلى البيت، عزيزتي. إلى البيت.”

لماذا خلق الحنين؟

Posted by: Mermaid | January 8, 2016

مقعدٌ خالٍ إلى الأبد

IMAG2797 with Watermark

تستكين. تعلم أن حلم قراءة كتاب بهدوء على أريكة بجواره لم يعد ممكنا. بعض الأحلام على بساطتها تغدو مستحيلة. تشعر بالوحشة. تصمت البحيرة وأوراق الشجر في رهبة احترامًا لحزنها. مقدرٌ أن تظل بعض المقاعد الخالية على حالها للأبد. ربما تمسك بفأس فتحطم كل مقعدٍ خالٍ يصادفها. على حافة الجنون تترنح. تتلو دعائها اليومي: “ونعوذ بك من الشغف.” كم تغيرنا خيبات الأمل المتتالية وانفلات الأحلام الصغيرة! لا تريد أن تتغير عما هي عليه الآن؛ قد تبدو هادئة وجميلة لكنها باردة وبعيدة مثل قمة ثلجية موحشة. ثلج لا يذوب.ا

توقفت عن التنهد من ذلك اليوم. أنفاسها قصرت. تنتظر في صبر أن تسكن.ا

Posted by: Mermaid | January 7, 2016

طشاري

من قرارات العام الجديد قراءة عدد كتب أقل ولكن تحري الدقة في الاختيار حتى لا أضيع وقتي وطاقتي مع كتب ذوي نجمتين (بتقييم جوود ريدز). أطالب أصدقائي علي فيسبوك بترشيحات قوية. أبدأ في وضع قائمة للكتب بناءً على اقتراحاتهم. تتصدر القائمة رواية طشاري للكاتبة العراقية إنعام كجه جي. أتردد في قراءة تلك الرواية قليلًا لعدم فهمي للعنوان ولحصولها على 3.69 نجمة على جوود ريدز ولكن تشجعني ديدو التي أثق في ذوقها في الكتب. أتوكل على الله وأبدأ الرواية.

أعرف أنني مشدودة لكتاب ما عندما أحمله معي أينما ذهبت حيث أتحين أية فرصة لأقرأ ولو صفحة واحدة منه؛ استراحة الغذاء في العمل، انتظار وصول أحد الأصدقاء في مقهى، انتظار دوري في عيادة طبيب…إلخ. منذ بدء هذه الرواية وأنا أفكر خلال اليوم بالوقت الذي سأعود فيه للمنزل لأستكمل قراءتها. تحكي عن أربع أجيال من عائلة واحدة من العراق مع التركيز على طبيبة النساء وردية. تركتني الرواية بقلب مثقل بفقد العراق. ذلك البلد الذي لا أعرف عنه الكثير ولكن وردية قربته إلي بطريقة حميمية ودافئة جدًا. يا إلهي، كيف ينفلت عقد عائلات لتتشرد في أرجاء الكرة الأرضية. لا تغني الحباة الكريمة عن ذلك الدفء البعيد في بلد يتفتت. ماض جمع أجيال أجبرهم الحاضر على التشتت في قارات العالم. هل ما تبقى لهم هو أن يجمعهم المستقبل في مقبرة… إلكترونية؟ يتركني الكتاب بالكثير من التفاصيل الصغيرة وبغصة في القلب وأنا أفكر في فلسطين وسوريا.

Posted by: Mermaid | December 31, 2015

On Blessings, Losses and Passions

Such an eventful year 2015 has been. Never experienced all this mix of feelings as I did in this year; joy, hope, heartbreak, despair and frustration. What I wanted in the past few years was inner peace. I got it elhamdolillah in 2015. Yet, it is sad and melancholic. I lost a big degree of my restlessness but still have a heavy heart.

It was also the year of doubts and question marks for me; about the purpose of our existence, God’s wisdom in certain things, some logic in Islam, the importance of religion in my life, even about myself and important traits I always believed I possessed like being a fighter. I got a confirmation / assurance on some of the doubts. Answers to some of the burning questions. The rest remain unanswered. I am not bothered about that. I know that knowledge is a journey (within and without) and am still learning to crawl in that path. I just have faith that with a sincere heart, I’ll reach the answers someday.

God. My relationship with Him witnessed ebbs and flows. Am I true to Him? Not always. My heart is still rotting with horrible thoughts and deeds. I slip a lot. But every time I fall, I stand up again; never giving up on His mercy and never giving up on my strong desire to be looked upon with a content smile from Him. Grant me sincerity and strength ya Rab!

Such a big introvert I am. I had a lot of “me time” this year but I have been blessed by the strongest support circle anyone can wish for. Nahla, PF, Sola, Raghda… I don’t know how I would have survived this year without their presence, without their support and prayers. My family, whom I drive crazy with my rebellion, I wouldn’t trade them for the whole world. In time of distress, they were always there, at my back with their support and compassion. I have to admit I am a little impatient sometimes with them but am working on this.

I am grateful for people who, although not very close, yet managed to put a smile on my heart when they told me they remembered me when it rained, snowed or was very cold. I am also grateful for those who never give up on me specially when I get into my shell and disappear for a while. They patiently wait for me to come out assuring me every now and then that they are there.

It was a year of dreams and hopes. Most of them not achieved. Dissolved and slipped out of my hands like smoke. God has been merciful enough to let me see the wisdom behind it all, the reasons and why in that specific timing. Yet other blessings continue in my life; faith, family, health, work…etc. But the lesson is learned; never get too attached. Never build tangible dreams where you can see the small details. Always know that at the peak of your flying and happiness there is a huge probability that you will fall. You will fall, dear.

Losses of the heart. I’ve had my fair share this year of loss. I lost him. Twice. For good. The pain, oh, the pain! It is too strong it puts me out of breath! But I know I am a tough cookie and I’ll be alright. Someday, I’ll be alright inshAllah.

The one thing I need to change is my pace. I wanted to regain my French, practice yoga, start colouring, start working out, read 35 books…etc. All this got me to be rushing and running all the time. I need to slow down. I want to read less books; 20 maybe. But I want to choose them carefully and enjoy them. I want to write more. Definitely less Facebook (which is already in action). Setting moderate goals is good. I want to have “moments” to remember rather than big goals to achieve. Praise to Allah I had very good moments in 2015 and I want to keep having them next year.

What really matters in life? Focus on this. What really, really matters for you?

Passions. I wish I would lose all my passions. Passion causes anxiety and eventually restlessness and / or pain. I want to only “like” things and people but never to “love” them. The only exception would be family and the close friends I already have. I do not want someone or something else to enter this circle.

I have reached a good weight that I was at almost two years ago. Well done, you! You’re half way through. Remember, take it slow and enjoy every moment and every bite.

It is heavily raining while I am writing this post now. May it always rain on your heart, Mermaid. May your heartbeats grow quieter and more peaceful. And may His light always fill the dark corners of your soul.

Posted by: Mermaid | December 13, 2015

Wish you Were Here

IMAG1307

I hear it raining outside. I genuinely smile and hurry up getting ready for work. The only time I enjoy the long distance between home and work is when it rains. I start driving with a lifted spirit. Light jazz songs play at the background. My coffee aroma fills the car. I remember my words to you: “Take me to a jazz night one day.” I push the memory away but then you come and become more real than the rain hitting the windshield. What you’d think of me seeing me almost jumping with happiness like that when it rains? Would you understand the child inside who is always longing for rains? Would you gaily run with me with no worries in our hearts?

I take a few pictures and stand on the verge of sending them to you. I stop. I cannot do that anymore. The pics remain dead in my phone.

Your voice, your teasing me, your laughter, your light lisp.

I wish you were here. Everything would have tasted different; my coffee, the rains, and the cold.

Buble sings in the back ground and I sing along:

A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumbling words that told you what my heart meant
A fairgrounds’ painted swing
These foolish things remind me of you

I know that this was to be
These things have haunted me
For you, my dear, enchanted me

Wish you were here, sweetheart…

Posted by: Mermaid | December 8, 2015

Today, I Lose you

Every morning, when I wake up, I have to tell myself it is not a nightmare. It is true and real. It happened. Today, it is more difficult than any other day. Today, you go away, at 5:00 PM. Today, I lose you. I know I cannot be home at this hour. The collapse would cause a heartbreak to those around me. I pack my things by noon and head to that lonely park. I choose an empty bench and sit there quietly.

– Do you know why this happened?

– Yes.

– Are you still sad?

– Brokenhearted.

Laura Pausini conspires against me and passionately sings:

How would I ever go on?
Without you there’s no place to belong

Well, someday love is going to lead you back to me
But till it does I’ll have an empty heart
So I’ll just have to believe
Somewhere out there you’re thinkin’ of me

Till the day I let you go
Until we say our next hello it’s not goodbye
Till I see you again
I’ll be right here remembering when
And if time is on our side
There will be no tears to cry on.. down the road
There is one thing I can’t deny.. it’s not goodbye

I sob and sing along:

You´d think I´d be strong enough to make it through
And rise above when the rain falls down
But it´s so hard to be strong
When you´ve been missin´ somebody so long

It´s just a matter of time I´m sure
But time takes time and I can´t hold on
So won´t you try as hard as you can
To put my broken heart together again

How heavy my sunglasses grow with tears? I pray to Him for relief. I pray that all my passions go away; to turn into a bland, cold person with a heart made of ice.

The ache inside is too strong that I feel it physically hurts… that it is going to shatter me to pieces.

It is approaching 5 in the afternoon. I head to my car and lock the doors. I see you “Active 4 minutes ago”… then 5, then 6, then 7… Have you switched off your mobile phone for the take-off? You’re slipping away from me… I look at my empty hands with blinded, blurry vision. Do not go… please, do not go. I wish I could…

Someday love is gonna lead you back to me
But ´till it does I´ll have an empty heart

Home. In bed. I count 5 hours for the flight and another one to reach home. Close to 7 hours now since you were gone. I keep looking at my mobile phone screen with a worried heart. Then you are there… Active Now. I smile with a weary expression and whisper: “Good night, sweetheart.”

Posted by: Mermaid | December 6, 2015

Good Night, Sweetheart

I fear the first time I will hold my coffee cup. I know I will lose it all then. The meltdown will happen. For so long, you have been associated with my daily, little pleasures.

I haven’t yet taken you to that nice café with the cute cupcakes. I haven’t yet showed you my favourite spot in London, nor did I sit with you quietly on that bench by the peaceful Thames.

I set my phone on silent mode. For every beep sets my heart ablaze, reminding me that it is not you messaging me. Every sound is a push off a cliff. Let the world be mute and let me be deaf!

It is very cold. Not the usual, compassionate cold. This one is merciless; it shows no signs of warmth in the horizon. It nibbles on my heart and leaves me motionless like a dead, marble statue.

I miss you. I make myself a warm cup of coffee. My fingers remain frozen around the elusive warmth. A few drops of rain fall in the cup and I breathlessly whisper to you: “Good night, sweetheart.”

Posted by: Mermaid | September 11, 2015

غضب

منذ ثلاث سنوات يصاحبني إحساس بالغضب لا أستطيع التغلب عليه. غضب ممتزج بقلة حيلة وقهر. كل شيء في الحياة اليومية مرهق وموتر. كنت أتعامل مع ضغوطات الحياة بطريقة أفضل في الماضي. لكن الوضع يزداد سوءًا. معارك صغيرة، يومية تأكل من سلامي الداخلي؛ الحصول على خدمة إنترنت ثابتة، دفع فاتورة محمول عادلة، معاملة محترمة في مطاعم مشهورة، حتى إيقاف السيارة أصبح تحدٍ؛ أبحث عن مكان لا توجد به الأحجار الكبيرة والأعمدة والسلاسل الحديدية التي يضعها الناس لحجز المساحة الموجودة أمام بناياتهم (حيث أنهم يملكون الشارع!)، تجنب “السايس” و “كل سنة وأنتي طيب يا هانم”، وإذا نجحت في هذا كله أدعو الله ألا أجد سيارتي بعد انتهاء يوم العمل محجوزة بواسطة سيارة أخرى قرر صاحبها أن يركنها أمام / بجوار سيارتي لسبب لا يعلمه إلا الله وذلك الشخص ذي القدرات العقلية الخارقة! البديهيات (كالقيادة بطريقة محترمة، أو ألا يزاحم الناس بعضهم البعض بدلا من الانتظار في صف منظم) أصبحت كماليات.ا

ماذا أفعل وكل يوم أتفتت وينفلت جزء مني لأصبح أقل آدمية؟! عندما أجد سيارات منتظرة صف ثان أدعو على سائقيها: “ربنا يضيقها عليكم دنيا وآخرة زي ما انتم مضيقينها على الناس!” تتعجب أمي وتقول لي أنني تغيرت وأنني أصبحت “مشحونة” طوال الوقت. أشعر أحيانًا أنني على وشك الانفجار! أخشى أن يأتي يومًا أفقدني تمامًا فيه وأصبح “واحدة من الغوغاء!”ا

بعض السلام يا الله… بعض السلام.. أتوسل إليك :(ا

Posted by: Mermaid | July 24, 2015

Yummy Surprise

Riding with my sister in her car, she pointed at a café saying: “this one is a very nice café. Food is great! The owner is my friend and she bakes all the dessert herself!” I thought I would try it some day but maybe not very soon since it is not very close to where I usually go out. I finished the errand with my sister and while starting off going back home in my car, I passed by it again. I wasn’t very hungry but I thought I can try some dessert and coffee. I parked Misty (my car) and headed to the café.

The terrace was the first thing that welcomed me. I felt instantly good :) Pleasant colours, free-spirited style and careful attention to details.

Terrace

I smiled and hoped the interior would match the terrace. It was even BETTER! It is not a huge place; could take up to maybe 20-25 people. You just cannot help smiling when you get inside. The colours, the decoration, the flowrs, the cheerful cupcakes, the warm greetings from the staff… all would make you feel very welcomed.

Buckets
Interior

Tulips

I felt I wanted to talk to the owner and tell her how much I liked the place but thought I should wait till I try the food to give a comprehensive feedback. The savory menu does not contain a lot of options; maybe 8-10. I went for a chicken sandwich with sundried tomato. I found this nice corner and relaxed there waiting for my meal.

Sofa

And it arrived :) It tasted REALLY good! I do not recall enjoying the BREAD anywhere as much as I did there! The BREAD, for God’s sake! Later, I knew from my sister that the owner gets the ingredients from France. Makes sense!

Sandwich

Tummy was happy and relatively full. But since I do not like changing plans (I initially entered the café for coffee and dessert) so I thought I would still try them :D I ordered a banana tart and a latte.

Dessert

Both were good. I hoped I had more space in my stomach to try one or two cupcakes but I could hardly breathe then :)

Carrot

Cupcakes

It was indeed a yummy surprise :) I am glad I decided to try the place and intend on going there again very soon. Highly recommended.

Here’s their FB page.

Posted by: Mermaid | February 8, 2015

ندبة

الليلة بلا قمر. تخرج من شرفة منزلها الصغير إلى ذلك الشاطئ الهادئ. إضاءة خافتة تأتي من بعيد تهدي خطواتها إلى المياه. تجلس على بعد خطوات قليلة من حافة الأمواج الصغيرة. البحر يعرفها. يعرف متى يكون هادرًا ليواكب أعاصيرها الداخلية، ومتى يكون هادئًا. الليلة، يغمغم بصوت خافت… يعلم أن الليلة هي إحدى تلك الليالي التي تحن إليه بشدة تفتت قلبها. تهمس لها الأمواج في شفقة مع ذهابها وإيابها: “لا عليك… لا عليك…” تحاول أن تبتسم فيرتسم على شفتيها الدقيقتين قوس مرتعش تشد أطرافه لأسفل وحشتها دونه.ا

ذقنه المستديرة وتلك الندبة في وجنته اليمنى، نظرته المحتضنة هشاشتها ونظرتها من خلف أهدابها لذراعيه، ليالٍ بأقمار مكتملة معه، عشر أصابع متشابكة، ظهرها على صدره أمام بحرها، شفتيه بين طرقات شعرها البركانية، ورأسها مستكينة في أمانٍ بين رقبته وكتفه… اشتهاءات القلب التي مازالت تتنفس رغم الوأد.ا

تميل حتى يلمس جانب وجهها المتوهج الرمال الباردة. تغمض عينيها فينفتح وجودها عليه. تشعر به داخل جدرانها الداخلية. هو يملأ خلاياها فينصهرا معا. تصبح عيناها خضراوان وعينيه بندقيتين.ا

ترفع رأسها؛ وجه مبلل وعينين لامعتين… وندبة في وجنتها اليمنى.ا

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