Such an eventful year 2015 has been. Never experienced all this mix of feelings as I did in this year; joy, hope, heartbreak, despair and frustration. What I wanted in the past few years was inner peace. I got it elhamdolillah in 2015. Yet, it is sad and melancholic. I lost a big degree of my restlessness but still have a heavy heart.
It was also the year of doubts and question marks for me; about the purpose of our existence, God’s wisdom in certain things, some logic in Islam, the importance of religion in my life, even about myself and important traits I always believed I possessed like being a fighter. I got a confirmation / assurance on some of the doubts. Answers to some of the burning questions. The rest remain unanswered. I am not bothered about that. I know that knowledge is a journey (within and without) and am still learning to crawl in that path. I just have faith that with a sincere heart, I’ll reach the answers someday.
God. My relationship with Him witnessed ebbs and flows. Am I true to Him? Not always. My heart is still rotting with horrible thoughts and deeds. I slip a lot. But every time I fall, I stand up again; never giving up on His mercy and never giving up on my strong desire to be looked upon with a content smile from Him. Grant me sincerity and strength ya Rab!
Such a big introvert I am. I had a lot of “me time” this year but I have been blessed by the strongest support circle anyone can wish for. Nahla, PF, Sola, Raghda… I don’t know how I would have survived this year without their presence, without their support and prayers. My family, whom I drive crazy with my rebellion, I wouldn’t trade them for the whole world. In time of distress, they were always there, at my back with their support and compassion. I have to admit I am a little impatient sometimes with them but am working on this.
I am grateful for people who, although not very close, yet managed to put a smile on my heart when they told me they remembered me when it rained, snowed or was very cold. I am also grateful for those who never give up on me specially when I get into my shell and disappear for a while. They patiently wait for me to come out assuring me every now and then that they are there.
It was a year of dreams and hopes. Most of them not achieved. Dissolved and slipped out of my hands like smoke. God has been merciful enough to let me see the wisdom behind it all, the reasons and why in that specific timing. Yet other blessings continue in my life; faith, family, health, work…etc. But the lesson is learned; never get too attached. Never build tangible dreams where you can see the small details. Always know that at the peak of your flying and happiness there is a huge probability that you will fall. You will fall, dear.
Losses of the heart. I’ve had my fair share this year of loss. I lost him. Twice. For good. The pain, oh, the pain! It is too strong it puts me out of breath! But I know I am a tough cookie and I’ll be alright. Someday, I’ll be alright inshAllah.
The one thing I need to change is my pace. I wanted to regain my French, practice yoga, start colouring, start working out, read 35 books…etc. All this got me to be rushing and running all the time. I need to slow down. I want to read less books; 20 maybe. But I want to choose them carefully and enjoy them. I want to write more. Definitely less Facebook (which is already in action). Setting moderate goals is good. I want to have “moments” to remember rather than big goals to achieve. Praise to Allah I had very good moments in 2015 and I want to keep having them next year.
What really matters in life? Focus on this. What really, really matters for you?
Passions. I wish I would lose all my passions. Passion causes anxiety and eventually restlessness and / or pain. I want to only “like” things and people but never to “love” them. The only exception would be family and the close friends I already have. I do not want someone or something else to enter this circle.
I have reached a good weight that I was at almost two years ago. Well done, you! You’re half way through. Remember, take it slow and enjoy every moment and every bite.
It is heavily raining while I am writing this post now. May it always rain on your heart, Mermaid. May your heartbeats grow quieter and more peaceful. And may His light always fill the dark corners of your soul.