Posted by: Mermaid | January 1, 2007

Self-Portrait (II)

I fix my veil and start moving away from the big mirror in my closet when my sight falls on my eyes. I discover that I look at my face no more. I am too busy to. I wonder how different it looks from the last time I closely examined it. I still have the same wide forehead but with fine lines. I frown a lot lately! My thick eyebrows stopped rising in wonder. Why nothing impresses me any more?! I skip my eyes and go to my mouth. I inherited my mother’s delicate lips. I wish I had her eyes! A clever fake smile is often drawn on my mouth.

I raise my sight a bit to look at my eyes. I am one of the large group of people who would say that my eyes are lifeless. Only a few could read through them – and I am not included. It would require blind people to be able to see what is within me. I’ve often heard “cold!” and “ice woman!” behind my back and I smile in triumph. I remember a close friend telling me: “you are like the earth; with cold, solid crust but with burning, rich materials within.” It was scary! I look deeper in my eyes and see a distant light struggling to be seen … to scream with long hidden secrets. I close my eyes and rub them hard with my hands then look again. The light is gone. Yes! They are more beautiful when they are dark and solid… safer! I still believe that light is cruel sometimes when it makes you aware of the darkness within.



  1. 1) Reflected, but, not seen; just like a ghost image upon a window pane. What a meaning of life !

    2) The Philosophy of Escape

    This is my second time to criticize this piece, if I’m to call my words today a criticism.

    I’d be rather talking about the philosophy of escape that overwhelms the expressions and words which are gathered to evoke one of the writer’s melancholic state of mind.

    One needs not to search harder to see the agony, far lost dreams and disappointment. Yet, one has to look deeper to see the reflections of the writer’s mood upon her soul.
    She says “I still have the same wide forehead but with fine lines”, and this is a typical 27 years old female description, but, can a soul be measured with years and facial changes?

    Do we have to be “blind” to see her real inner soul? Do we have to depress the “distant light struggling to be seen” in order to feel “safer”? Do we have to be “like the earth; with cold, solid crust but with burning, rich materials within” just to have our identity not to be raped by others’ views? Thus moving along “smiling in triumph”?.

    Yes, we have to do all of that and more if we apply the philosophy of escape.

    But, as far as I know, the writer has a lot of faith to hold on; and she must have known the words (One, that Allah hasn’t given any light, would never have any).

    So, I may say, in my humble words, that, sun rises upon blinds as well as upon non-blinds. And, we are to choose, either to be citizens of the kingdom of light or that of darkness. To be preys to our own shadows of the past or to be enlighters just like the stars in the night’s dark page of sky.

    Mayada, the war is still on, and if the light is too strong for your eyes to tolerate, wear your sun glasses, but do not EVER wear your soul dark ones.

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