I sit on my beach chair. Shall I read now or just fill my soul with the sight of the sea that I miss the most? I look at my book; “The Mermaid Chair”… why does reading seem so insignificant when I am at the beach though it is one of the most important things when I am elsewhere? I cannot fight the temptation any longer; I put the book aside and reluctantly look ahead… deep into the sea… people become invisible and cannot cut my sight. I barely blink when I look at it; enough the time I waste when I am in the city… away from it. Do I want to go in there… let the young waves welcome my shaking feet? I … do … not want to! It is the first time I realize it… I do not … what… “like” or “bear” being “in” water? My best places are where there is water; waterfalls, seas, rivers…you name it. Why can’t I bear the idea of being soaked? Even when it rains, I love walking there but not till I am completely wet. Why does my whole body go stiff when water touches it? Why does it turn into high walls of a fort that has been built thousands of years ago yet just refuses to come down? When I take the courage and venture to step into a sea or a swimming pool, I am never relaxed or at ease… I am always alert… always … afraid! Afraid?! What do I fear? Dissolving? Letting go of the burdens… letting go of … me? Why?!
I am so … tired! I… need to … dissolve!