Lately, for the past few months, I noticed a change in my dealings with people; I am… cautious and distant. Some time ago, I failed in a significant (at the time) relationship. I was naively spontaneous and never thought wisely of “what to be done and what not to”. I was more of a child who detested planning and maneuvers and preferred letting her feelings take control, not doubting for a second that her behavior will be misjudged. Lately, I have been afraid of being “me”, of acting spontaneously. I think for too long, I am too careful. Even helping a friend sometimes takes a too long time from me because I am reflecting on the approach fearing I might harm our relationship if I use a wrong one! I am treating relationships like super delicate glass masterpieces that I do cherish the most but afraid of touching least they should break. The result is that a very close friend spoke it out: “You’re distant! And you’re getting more and more distant,” which DID hurt because I wanted to be there for help and support but couldn’t. I do not blame her at all. Her statement was like a very cold shower. I came back to my senses. I decided to be “me” again in relationships. I am trying to get myself accustomed to having some thinking, but at the same time I want to keep clinging to my spontaneity. I prefer being a stupid, caring person than a careful, distant one!
Posted by: Mermaid | August 24, 2008