Haven’t been writing for some time. Yes, I was too busy but that was not mainly it. It was as if I was afraid if writing because when I do, I pour it all out. Even now, I am considering just closing this page and go watch some movie. What exactly am I escaping from? Mmm… I do not want to know!
Thirty, I just turned thirty. The number sounds… distant! All my friends who turned thirty said they felt nothing. But I feel… something. I do not know exactly what it is. It’s not feeling old or worn out. It’s just a feeling of … being alienated, I think! Suddenly I feel as if there is a layer, a transparent one, between myself and the world. I can see everything still but I am a bit emotionally distant.
Since I cannot really identify the feeling itself, I’ll just drop it and focus on evaluating the past year. A full year, I’d say. I had many gains, thank God. I was blessed by getting close to some people that I cherish the most and hope would always keep in my life. I have also had my share of loss and failure. But I am grateful to that as well because with every loss there was a gain, an unexplored corner of me that was revealed, experience added to my existence.
Do you remember my post about small things? Yes, it’s the small things that I remember from the past year:
A note from Nahla beneath a 1 liter pack of pineapple juice in the morning on my desk (don’t ask who’s Jac.. it’s our secret ;) )
It’s Raghda when she checks on me with a concerned “are you okay?” whenever I am feeling down. Her tolerance of my mood swings.
It’s the feeling of deep gratitude for Rou when she always gets me pineapple juice whenever we’re in an outing with friends.
It’s the “I miss you” sms-es from Sola with “I wish we were in my place ordering pizza cheese lovers with salami and mushroom… talk, laugh or even cry together.”
It’s the amazing understanding and love from my work mates (Roro, Nemo, Moonz, Samar, Siksik and Daise) who always stood by me and made me feel appreciated.
A note from Salwa attached to a big pineapple juice pack wrapped in gift paper with red hearts:
It is the unconditional support (medical and emotional :) ) I’ve been receiving from Meto.
Nerro’s hugs and girls’ talk that make me feel 15 years old :)
On my birthday, I had some disappointments. Some people I expected would call but they didn’t and others just sms-ed. But on the other hand, I received unexpected calls which left me with a big smile on my face. I received amazing gifts; six of my beautiful girl friends indulged me with a gift from The Body Shop with my favorite scent (I already started using that :) )
And when I thought Meto forgot about my birthday because he didn’t call, I confronted him and he said “no comment” and less than a minute later I found this approaching my desk :)
Raghda wrapped her gift in purple cloth and scattered around it Mars, Lindt and Risen :) This is what I call a gift of love.
Yet the disappointments were still lingering in my heart till Rou called me on Thursday for coffee after work. How light I feel when I am talking to her… listening to her wise words about how to say things because people could get intimidated by my sometimes blunt way of expressing myself.
Later on Thursday still, Nahla invited me to dinner in a fine Italian restaurant overlooking the beautiful Nile. She went there before me to arrange for some stuff, as I discovered later on. I was speechless when I found purple flowers on our table and a greeting card inside the menu that the neat waiter handed me. All I could say was: “Marry me!” :D (For those who do not know us, we’re both straight. I just couldn’t believe someone would do ALL this for me… taking the extra mile to make me that happy). The evening was nothing less than splendid. At the end of it, I thought of the disappointments I had and I found out that they were all gone with the help of all the efforts that my friends exerted to make me happy. I couldn’t stop a couple of tears from rolling down. I just held Nahla’s hand and said a genuine “thank you!”
To my family and friends, I cannot tell you how grateful I am for what you added to me in the past year; the bliss and happiness of having you near, even the little clashes that made me value you more.
To you, Mermaid… keep counting the blessings and appreciating the failures. Happy Birthday!