December, the month where I get reflective the most. The month of self-evaluation. So, how was I in 2009? It’s been a “heavy” year. Not a very fruitful one though. I’ve been hard on myself, the hardest on myself. Not that I tortured her, but I never gave her a break. Breaks were always temporary, lasting for as long as creating a painting would. I considered several times stopping writing because it makes me think… in a hysteric, draining pace. I made myself endure things without complaining and sometimes I did not even notice what I was doing but when family or friends drew my attention to it. No matter how much I tell myself I should take life lightly, I do not seem to be able to do it.
Did I have peace with myself? No! I always fight with her, pushing her to be better in every way; “endure more, be more loving and forgiving, you’re stupid so make it up by something else, eat healthy, work out, pray in time, fast more, give more, read more, spend more time with family, be fluent in French … etc.” I do not think I’ll ever have peace with myself. There is always one more step to take. I just try to make the battle less fierce.
I had my share of tears this year. Some shared with close friends, some with my car and lots with the stars stuck to my bedroom ceiling. I’ve grown distant from a few, got closer to some and I feel the love of many. I always haughtily thought I have to be detached, cold and keep my distance. I tried and succeeded for some years but discovered lately that with some people I have crossed the line. I deeply care for them that when we’re distant or fighting I cannot sleep or eat well! Nobody knows that! I think it’s the “human” flaw in me that I won’t be able to change.
IBHOG’s post has spoken out loud what I either deny myself or enjoy but dare not admit it. I keep saying I am fine and I do not need people and I do not care what they think of me. But at the same time, when I post something new on my blog, I eagerly check my inbox and blog for notifications of comments. Validation! And I also check the blog stats daily to see how many visitors I had! Validation! So, why am I denying my need for validation? Haughty? I am haughty (well, in some aspects!) Or is it the sheer fear of needing others?
My stories are usually about moments. It’s as if I cannot see life as a whole, only moments. Is it because those moments are what matters? Or I just choose to reduce life into a few moments ignoring the big picture? I do not now!
So, what is the crop of 2009? Had one new crush born and faded away, and another old one revived but put back it to sleep again. For books, the highlight of the year was Morid’s new book and Kundera’s Immortality. I was actually a bit disappointed for not having other books that swept me off my feet. For this year, I got new nicknames; سيادة العقيد ميادة، وإمرأة من زمن الحب.
A few weeks ago, I was telling Rou: “Ah, I love December; it’s my second favorite month…” and she interrupted: “What’s your first?” I went: “July, of course. It’s the month I was born in.” And I could almost see her dropped jaws although we were on the phone. And then came a long conversation between her “I cannot believe you said that!” and my “Aywa, I like myself!” and of course Meto’s love for himself popped up :) But Rou told me that I LOVE myself, not just like her :) which is actually fine by me :) Why not pamper ourselves? I like to treat myself from time to time. And it’s not just getting what I need. No, I treat myself with a cup of coffee in a cold morning, a movie that I like, or simply a bar of chocolate I enjoy while reading a good book. I do all this while being conscious that I am treating myself. And I think these little treats are what preventing me from breaking under the breathless marathon I am always in.
This year has been mind-opening in many ways. I learnt things about people but more importantly, about myself. I deserve to treat me better, not to be too harsh on me because after all, deep down inside, I am a good girl, most of the times ya3ny. I am not a witch – even though some think I am :) I wish nobody any harm. I do very selfish things, and very selfless ones. I admit I have all kinds of contradictions inside. This is the way I am, and it’s a state way past change.
I have another secret blog that just four people know about. I’ll delete it today. Since the past is no longer here, why keep words immortalizing it?
I am glad I can still see the beauties around. And I am glad I can still make some people laugh, some smile, and others sigh dreamily.
I apologize to those I harmed in any way. Please forgive me as it was definitely not intended.
To Him, I want to get closer for I am never close enough. I have countless blessings and I wish I could act thankfully. اللهم يا مقلب القلوب والأبصار ثبت قلوبنا على دينك.
New year’s resolution, back to 62 kg.
I wish I could go this year to Mecca, Medina, Ireland, Prague and London.
Today, the last day of 2009. When I woke up and got dressed, I looked at my face in the mirror for a few moments. My eyes looked a bit tired but hopeful. For some reason, I feel good things will happen in 2010. No make-up today. I am ending the year with no masks, and starting the new one with a fresh heart. Ya Rab, grant me strength, compassion, tolerance, yaqeen, contentment … and love.