Today marks the end of my 31st years on this earth. I do not believe in incarnation. I have only one life where I am only one person in it, and when it ends, it ends. I was never a cat in a previous life and will not be a tree in a coming one. Was it a good year? It was a busy year, a very busy one; match with Algeria, promotion, changing assignments at work, Umra, Khaled Said, travelling to Sudan six times, depression of friends, and sunny others. I cannot by any means say it was my best year. I had my share of laughter and tears. In fact, I did not cry much this year! But… it was heavier than any other year.
Was I at peace with myself? No! The voices inside my head were maddening! “You’re stupid, you’re not good, do this, do not do that, you should care less, this girl did that on purpose, do not trust him…etc.” And they never stop! If there is one thing I wish for, it would be going to a sea and diving in its embrace to silence all those voices. Something like this.
Stress was the worst this year. Not because it was heavier (which is a fact) but because I couldn’t handle it well. I was taking every single thing on my nerves; simply from my mobile phone not being as fast as I want it to be, clients with their “nice” comments to friends whom I expected to do things and didn’t do or did others I didn’t expect them to.
I am happy I am still strong enough to discard social pressure and decline potential grooms because we do not match. I hope I’ll always be that strong.
I won’t go through the usual evaluation of I was good at this and bad at that. Who cares?! I do not! I am fed up with holding the whip all the time for myself. This year, I do not want to learn something new. I do not want to draw a smile on somebody’s face. I do not want to improve me or others. I want to sit with myself, talk with her, maybe pat her even, and see what she wants, what she simply wants without questions or reproaches.
I wrote the above two days ago while being in a very angry and snapping mood and the result is, as you can see, a fuming post! However, in the course of yesterday and today, the most wonderful things happened which led me to write the below:
I bought a new mug for myself. I deserve a treat every now and then. It has not only purple flowers but also beautiful and cheerful shades of green. (Ibraheem, I want to get you one like it but it is girlish and childish! Would you like to have one? :) )
I reached my office to find on my desk a gift wrapped in the loveliest wrapping held together by a fuschia lace pleasantly waiting for me. Attached was a card with a “Guess Who” neatly written inside. Unwrapping it made me literally jump from joy with a scream of happiness escaping my mouth; a purple mermaid Barbie doll! Purple? And Mermaid? And Barbie? Definitely it was someone who knew me well. Well, but not just knew me; it’s someone who truly cared! Someone who went the extra mile to make me happy, who actually gave it some thought and exerted effort to get me this gift. I kept calling those I suspected they got it for me in vain. I could not locate that most amazing person for hours till I finally could solve the riddle.
Meto… Meto! I screamed again when Nahla (my best friend and colleague who took the gift from him the day before to place it on my desk) revealed his name under some life-threatening from me when I discovered she had a hand in it. I called him and I… cried (luckily he didn’t notice!). He gave me my very FIRST Barbie. Yes, it is my first Barbie! I had all kinds of dolls when I was a child but never a Barbie. I know one thing; he’ll make me never get married ever because I’ll compare every man to him and his sweet, touching actions. And most probably, he’ll always win. I always wanted to have an understanding brother whom I can talk to and share experience and life with. I wish for none anymore. I have him… the most amazing, most thoughtful, most wonderful, sincerest him! Rabenna yekhaleek leyya we yedeem el ma7abba ya Meto :)
I usually spend my birthday at home because I like to be among my family though we do not celebrate it. Today, it was an exception. Meto was giving a presentation on Aromatherapy. He asked me this morning to join the event. And because I very much felt like seeing him and I wanted to spend more time in Nahla’s company (and of course I knew I’d enjoy the presentation) I made an exception this year. And I am glad I did :) I saw many familiar faces who welcomed me with their beautiful faces and lovely wishes (Randa, I love your smile! :)) I felt very happy and light after the presentation. Everyone made me feel loved and blessed. I wish Rou and Sola were there though (sigh! Love you girls).
Nahla is an everyday gift in herself. I cannot ask for anything more in a friend. I love everything about her… her simplicity and sophistication, her peacefulness and uniqueness. Nahla… you know what I want to say! (HUG).
Lesson learned this year: safely send your expectations to the North Pole. Expectations = frustrations.
The coming year’s resolutions: be gentler with yourself, lose the extra 7 kg and when you’re sad ya Mayada remember that you have a nice pair of feet :)