This was the last sun ray in 2010. Since December started and I have been attacked by millions of words during my sleep, driving, and working. What was achieved from last year’s resolutions? Self-evaluation? Next year’s resolutions? Let’s start step by step.
Again, I cried less this year. Not a very good sign, by the way. But this doesn’t mean it was an easy year. It was a very heavy one, in fact. Generally because of what has been happening in Egypt since Khaled Saeed (sigh!). Wars were waged within and without.
It is no secret that I like myself; I see myself beautiful most of the time (calmly beautiful, not a head-turner), I prefer July the most because I was born in it, and I buy myself endless stuff as treats (I turned me into a spoilt child! :) ). Two wonderful people (one of which is a very close person to my heart, and the second is a potential for a very gratifying friend) told me “thank you for being you!” Mmmm… their effortless statement touched me so deep that I often open their e-mails to re-read it again; not to water any narcissist tendencies I have but rather to ease away the “you’re actually not a good person” scream that I relentlessly lash myself with.
I have a confession, I am not a good comforter! I do not have Meto’s sense of humour, Nahla’s warm embrace or Rou’s comforting smile. When my close friends are feeling down, I turn into a stupid girl. I do not know exactly what to do, specially that some of them withdraw into their caves to have some space. Fa I do not know when to leave them alone and when to knock on the cave. The only thing I do is praying for them. I believe in the power of prayers and I pray that the prayers are answered for their sake.
Jodi Picoult says: “if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
I won’t call myself a loner. But I am someone who enjoys her own company a lot and I am glad I do. My mind is always cloudy with thoughts. And no matter how often it rains, the sky is not clear in my head. But you know I enjoy the rains :) Fa I am happy I let it pour as often and as hard as it could. I know myself better when I am alone. I assess me and my relationship with others. I come up with several resolutions that I stick to only almost 50% of them, which is not a bad percentage. Solitude gives me sanity and a space to breathe. And as Meto says: “la solitude a son charme”. I always enjoyed the company of others! This year, I had several disappointments. And with me, disappointments come only from close ones. But I am letting go of them (the disappointments, not the people :)) I am still blessed with many unique people and I enjoy their company the most – whether we talk or even remain silent.
Meto, he was the reason behind an unforgettable birthday that made my wings flutter for weeks to follow :) I always look up at him in many, many things. His sincerity and genuineness are beyond anything I’ve seen. His caring for those whom he loves, his passion that never wears out and his unending support are what makes him such one-of-a-kind friend. He is a blessing that I hope I’ll always keep.
Nahla, I wouldn’t have been able to endure the wars I waged this year – with the world and with me – hadn’t I had her. She was the reason I am still a sane person. And she is the snow that puts out the fire that burns my heart out. I can remain silent with her without feeling awkward. And when she talks, oh, when she talks, she makes perfect sense. She can spot my heavy heart even from among my giggles and wide smiles. And I love her eyes. She is a joy I will never be grateful enough for having.
Ibrahem, we talk every few weeks or even month but he is a kinder spirit. He not only sees through me, but he helps me to see through me, too. When we talk, I, subconsciously, drop all the masks even those I wear to hide things from me. I sometimes do not understand why I am feeling this or that. But when we talk, I understand things. You know when Dory told Marlin: “I just, I remember things better with you!” It’s the same here: “I figure things out with you!” He is the candle that lights me within.
Rou, though younger, yet is much wiser on several levels. She stood by me patiently, specially in the beginning of the year when I was feeling lost. She is a true bless to anyone who knows her.
Sola, though physically far away like the sun, yet her warmth always engulfs me. Just our memories together bring a smile to my heart.
From last year’s resolution, I wanted to go to five cities this year; Mecca, Medinah, London, Prague and any city in Ireland. I’ve been to three of them – the first three. I still have the five cities on my wish-to-go-to list. I lost only 3 kilos of the 8 I wanted to lose! Fa I need to work harder on this! I got promoted. Also, for the first time in 31 years, I have my own room. Though I am going to miss Raghda’s presence, but I can always go and sleep in her room to have my dose of her unbeatable sense of humour J Also, I gained a couple of AMAZING friends and I have a few more of potential great friends which is more than I can ask for. I haven’t changed during this year, I mean in beliefs (maybe a bit in behaviour), which I think is quite a hard thing to do, to hold on to your grounds while facing the pressure outside to change.
I am capable of holding dark feelings within!
This year’s resolution: Paint more, read more, love reasonably, and do not regret anything. What is meant to be is meant to be. Have peace with yourself. Take life more lightly and know it for its worth. And as one of my favourite writers Arundhati Roy says:
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”
Mayada, learn to accept the ebb and flow of others. Accept that people are not steady lakes. They are seas and oceans with tides. At times they will draw close and at times retreat. Try new things. You do not know what you might be missing! As Ibraheem said, less chairs and more time on each. Listen more… love unconditionally. Keep the contradictions you have within because they are just a part of you. It is okay to crave “sham3edan a7mar” and “Toblerone Black”. Know that “having somebody help you doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you’re not in it alone.” Keep the passion! Never lose that even with the discouraging gestures of people. Have peace with yourself and others. Put down the spears and enjoy the ride.
Here I am ending the year eating oriental desserts (basbooba and konafa) while listening to Bocelli’s Dare to Live. I have faith that sugar takes away saltiness, and I know that sweet voices take away shrieks. I am holding on to my hopeful faith. Next year, I am asking for light to shine on my and my loved ones’s hearts, and for peace. I wish you all warmth, like the one radiating from Chocolate Fondant, softness like the one felt from caramel, and finally I wish you love.. love felt when sipping the water a beloved one brought you in the middle of the night when you felt really thirsty.
Keep your hearts safe and warm J