Posted by: Mermaid | May 28, 2013

On Dying Old, Umbrellas and Endearing Voices

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A day is spent in one of my favourite places in London; Regent’s park. It is intimate, not intimidating with its spaciousness like Hyde Park. Towards the end of my wandering, I saw him; an old man, hands tangled together behind his back, looking at the surroundings with an aimless pair of exhausted eyes. And I was overwhelmed by an urge to cry. Luckily, I controlled it. I don’t know why I felt this way but all I could think of was that he was a lonely old man, his wife died peacefully ten years ago, his son and daughter checked on him only once a week. He will die alone.

Two days later, I was sitting in the underground and I found myself bursting in tears. Nesrin was horrified specially that nothing really happened that would cause this outburst. She could barely hear me mumbling among my sobs: “I do not want to die alone and old”. The idea never scared me before. And I still believe that dying alone is much better than dying with someone you do not love. I have not changed my mind about this point. I just don’t want to die old and alone :( I hope I will die young…

It kept raining on my chest every now and then with Nesrin’s comforting voice. Some misfortunes happened today which distracted me a bit. We both lost our umbrellas. We ran to one of Boots branches that was about to close. And I found an umbrella exactly like the one I lost. And I smiled for the first time of the day from my heart. I always believed that an umbrella can protect me… can protect my heart from any sadness. I was happy I got my umbrella back. I felt like opening it but thought I’d look silly if I do it with no rains on. Would rains under the umbrella justify opening it?

After talking to mom on the phone for a few minutes, she told me Hamza wanted to talk to me.

انا: انت وحشتني قوي يا حمزة

حمزة: وانا

Any my heart melted.

With all the miseries, tears, darkness that life is full of, there are blossoms, endearing voices, and umbrellas, too, to keep us safe and happy… even for a while.


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