Posted by: Mermaid | December 11, 2016

On Melancholy and Journeys

It is 6:00 AM. I woke up more than 2 hours ago. My biological clock is still not functioning well even after 4 days from returning from my trip to the far east. Early mornings are as dear to me as late nights. It’s the noons in-between that I do not like. I guess this is just me, intense in what I like and hate. No in-betweens.

December is my favourite month of the year, along with July. But I didn’t feel its entry this year because I was out of the country. When I came back and felt its presence, I did not get this happy state this month used to put me in. I’ve been feeling melancholic for some time. Not sad, just melancholic. December fails to wipe this feeling away now that the month itself carries the bitter memory of loss. Has it been a whole year already?! The memory feels distant and alive at the same time like a cold stone in my hands where I can feel the scratches and holes on its surface. Oh, nostalgia to little, simple dreams that were buried too soon! Breathe, Maya! Breathe!

This year was intense. Yes, this is the word, intense! I felt intense grief, happiness, anger, anxiety, excitement and anticipation. I would like this to change. I need to be less intense. To relax more and take things easy. I also need to work on my anticipation / expectations as I often get disappointed. I do not know how people manage to have zero or low expectations! I’ve been trying to do that but I fail miserably!

God has been the most generous, bestowing big and small blessings on me this year. I am forever grateful. I know that sometimes I focus too much on other heart’s cravings. I cannot help it. I just hope I’ll always have my eyes open to the other blessings that I can never be thankful enough for.

For 2017, only one resolution; slow down! Destinations are illusions. During our life, it’s only the journey we feel and experience every day. Being close to God, success, having a family…etc. are not destinations but big things that you get close to but never stop pursuing. They are not “check” stops in our lives where we just stop doing once we reach. So, slow down, Maya. Stop running and stop being obsessed with time. Walk and linger. Run, in a few cases, but remember to stop and walk again. Put down your spears and stop fighting all the time. Enjoy the journey, for every second and every step are past once passed.

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Responses

  1. تسرب الايام من ايدينا والاحداث من ذاكرتنا مرعب بحق بالامس فقط كنت اتذكر الطفوله والمراهقه لبغيضه والان انا في منتصف العقد الثالث
    احلام لم تتحق ومشاريع مؤجله لكن كما قال فروست هناك اميال لاقطعها ووعود لافي بها
    لكن هل سيداهمنا الوقت!
    جل ما نأمله ان نموت ونحن نحاول

  2. !مسرورة لأني وجدت تدوينة جديدة لك

    جميلة و حساسة مع مسحة من حزن..و مساحات من تأمل.

    ربنا يخلي كل أيامك سعادة..و يعطيك كل اللي في بالك!

  3. آمين، آمين… ولكِ مثله وأكثر :)


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