Posted by: Mermaid | January 25, 2018

Tomorrow, I Chase the Rain

I wake up with a heavy heart and body but my ears pick up this sound and I instantly feel lighter. It is raining. Like a little girl, I jump off the bed and start preparing to go out with one thought only on my mind; finally some rains! Although I am passing by Nahla at 9:30 AM, I leave the house at 8:00. How can I waste time inside four walls when this freshness is luring me outside? I head to my car and I look up to find a beautiful surprise.

Rains from Car Ceiling

I drive slowly with a light smile at the corner of my mouth. I pass by On the Run and order a medium cappuccino. I take it to my car and inhale that tantalizing aroma. I drive on and park next to a small garden close to Nahla’s home. I take out my hand cream and use a little amount of it. Now my car smells of coffee, warm apple pie and rain. Can I ask for more? I play that playlist and relax in my seat. I think of you. Of the loss. Of the disappointment. I feel okay.

Nahla joins. After the usual hugs, she tells me I look better. I speak with a calm voice and tell her how angry I am. How I find myself sometimes in a state of disbelief. My voice shakes a little but I hold on.

We reach that busy café and have breakfast. We share pancakes. Don’t pancakes exist to be shared? We leave and start our walk.

Maadi streets, so inviting and so peaceful. We aimlessly roam them following where greenery leads. I point out a few welcoming entrances and we pause and smile. We rest a little on empty wooden benches in that quiet square before continuing walking for more than an hour. We talk a lot and we keep silent a lot. Her company is comforting and embracing. I feel at peace. It rains a little but then stops and the sun shines with warm rays. God is merciful and knows I need rain and lots of clouds the most today with a little sun. My wish is granted.

We approach my car and get inside. I play that serene playlist, our playlist. It suddenly rains heavily… inside my car. I try to control it but the silent tears turn into sobbing. She holds my hands and tells me that everything is going to be okay. How life is going to be okay when almost everything is filled with your presence; my coffee, my long walks, the quiet streets of Maadi, my favourite music, movie theatres, and cold weather? It feels like someone is trying to uproot a tree from my chest but while doing so, my soul is slipping away because my veins are the roots to that tree. The longing for that warmth in your eyes, for your embracing presence is unbearable. You are my twin heart. And I lost you. I lost you.

I put on my pearl earrings and a cheerful smile so that mom won’t notice my swollen eyes. I spend some time with her before lunch then head to my room to rest. It is cold. I am grateful. Tomorrow, rain is expected. I will go out again chasing it. Maybe if it pours down on my bare face this heartache will go away. Maybe the pain will leave. Maybe, for a brief moment in time, I’ll be able to tightly hold you again inside before I sit down on the side of the road and let go of your hand … for good.

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Responses

  1. Very sad, but very beautiful.


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