Posted by: Mermaid | July 16, 2018

July; on the 7th, 14th and Drugs

It’s July. An eventful month. My birthday on the 7th. And then there is the 14th and all the memories this day holds. And I also fell sick with a merciless flu. One by one.

I was kind of fearing my birthday this year. Last year, it was great. Indian restaurant by the Nile, a lovely silver bracelet with a winged siren sitting inside a heart. Have I told you I am a siren? I am. A very good siren. This birthday, the siren turned 29.. no, no, 39. I did not feel like correcting the “29”… mistakes happen and in most cases you cannot correct them. You try. But you do not always manage to correct them. I don’t feel 29 or 39. I feel 33. I look younger than 33 but I feel 33. I felt 33 even when I was in my 20’s. Now back to my birthday. This year it was just more than I imagined. Nahla called me at 12:00 AM. Her endearing voice sang me happy birthday :) I love her to pieces :) In the morning I went out for a relaxed jog in Maadi. The shaded streets welcomed me. And as always, I followed the trees in the narrow streets. After an hour, I settled in Ovio ordering croissant with scrambled eggs, cream cheese and smoked salmon. It was just delicious. After a while someone joined me for coffee and I received the first flowers bouquet of the day. It was very sweet. Then I headed home, rested and went out again to meet Nahla for sushi. She wore a top I liked and she got me a BIG summery bouquet of flowers in paper wrapping. She knows I love flowers in paper wrapping J We had our fill of sushi and then shared dessert. I love sharing dessert with Nahla. After finishing and waiting for her Uber ride, I checked my phone. There was a message on WhatsApp from an unsaved number. I opened it and had to enlarge to photo to see who that was. The day was perfect. It was like collecting happy moments in a bathtub. Great moments. Till that message came and it felt like someone pulled away that rubbery thing that blocked the drain. The bathtub was getting empty and all I could feel was that pain in my heart. That rupture within. I told Nahla about the message and I burst in tears. I didn’t expect it or see it coming. It was unfair to be caught off guard like that. For the rest of the night I felt broken. Mom noticed and asked me what was wrong. Told her I was sleepy. I was sleepy and in pain. In a lot of pain. To try to get myself in the mood of the birthday girl I started replying to the lovely messages on Facebook. It helped a little. Did I cry again that night? I cannot remember. These drugs am taking for my flu are making me drowsy and my mind foggy. The day ended with more blessings than I can count and a rupture.

It hit me in the middle of the day that it was the 14th. I don’t have any traces of that day except a dress I am hiding in my closest. And memories am trying to push to the back of my head. Am doing well. But I cried when I remembered that day. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I looked beautiful and happy that day. I was scared… and I had a feeling something bad would happen that day but it all went perfect. I was happy. I was happy.

Coincidentally, I started having a sore throat two days ago.. on the 14th. With rapid deterioration, I lost my voice today and was really drowsy. Did I tell you am on drugs? Not drugs drugs but flu drugs which is not very different from drugs drugs. I feel I am a little hallucinating here but I feel good about it. It is good to feel high and foggy. I watched almost 10 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy today since I was in bed all day. And there was this quote:

Beily: Everybody want a life without pain. Pain is there for a reason.

Then Alex and Ezzy say it again.

Alex: Does it hurt?

Ezzy: Yes.

Alex: Where does it hurt?

Ezzy: Everywhere.

Alex: Maybe it hurts for a reason.

What could be the reason behind pain? To feel alive? Human? To appreciate other present blessings or great moments that are yet to come? I don’t want to feel pain… I don’t. Am trying to make me “feel” less. I am succeeding in closing up myself to new people and opportunities. I just want to stay in my shell forever with the people I already know and love. And with “things”… inanimate things that cannot hurt you. Pancakes would never hurt you, you know! Brownies and coffee wouldn’t either.

It’s the drugs talking again. I guess I’ll just go watch another episode and sleep. Before that, there is a ripe mango asking me to eat it. I want to but am too weak to fetch and slice it up. Can someone do that for me?

Good night, world.


  1. What a lovely painful piece!

  2. Thank you, dear :)

  3. الحقيقة البراونيز والبان كيك قادرين على احداث بعض الاذى احيانا، الخطورة قد تكمن في “الاشياء الحلوة” او ربما الاشخاص.
    لكن فلنكن اقوياء قادرين على التهام كليهما على الفطور 😀 ما يمكنك التهامه بالتاكيد لا يمكنه ايذائك بشكل او بآخر.

  4. هذه فكرة رائعة … التهام الأشخاص 😀

    شكرا على الإلهام 🙏😂

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